


A friend for the end of the world

by flowers476



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Agoraphobia, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blow Jobs, Depression, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Fainting, Falling In Love Again, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, Loneliness, M/M, Medication, Mental Breakdown, Mental Illness, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Recovery, Rimming, Second First Time, Self Harm Scars, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Side Effects, Song Lyrics, Suicidal Thoughts, difficulty eating, early 20s
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 10:17:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12130311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowers476/pseuds/flowers476
Summary: Asahi has anxiety and has broken down, Nishinoya has depression and wants to give up. This is a story about trying to survive and find hope when it feels like the world is against you.(More info in notes)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for clicking on my story.  
> A lot of the mental health related events in this are based around my own experiences, though some have been altered for the sake of the story/characters. Giving my struggles to my dearest characters sucks but writing them fighting and being brave and finding someone to love gives me hope.
> 
> There are multiple panic attacks described in this fic, as well as a non-graphic description of a past suicide attempt, but there are no suicide attempts in-story. I tagged everything I could think of (PLEASE: note the tags for anything that might trigger you) and marked it as E for smut and intense topics even though it is probably just M cause i'm soft. 
> 
> This is unbeta'd, so i'm sorry about that. So if there are any mistakes or problems that's why. I have gone through it a few times and edited what I can. Of course, If there is anything major that needs to be fixed or clarified, please feel free to let me know. (And leaving comments at the end or throughout is super welcomed!)
> 
> [Also, the headcanons about Noya's dad being a hairdresser come from Poulerslashes & Lilienpasse and I was given permission to use that in this fic ((I also highly recommend both of their writing!!))]

CHAPTER 1

6:38am. He'd only managed a couple hours of restless sleep, as usual, but Asahi sighed and slowly sat up. He reached over to his bedside table and turned off his lamp, he didn't need it on now that the morning sun was lighting up his room. Asahi felt a hunger pang in his stomach, causing him to grimace. Wiping his war-torn eyes, he dragged himself out of bed, stretching weakly as he made his way out of the room .

The TV was still on in his living room; the alert from Netflix asking if he was still watching, on the screen. He'd gotten in the habit of leaving light and noise on so his apartment didn't feel so empty and scary at night when he was lying awake. He knew it wasn't the most healthy habit, but at this point if anything helped even a little, he'd do it.

Asahi walked over to his kitchen nook, opening one of the cabinets to grab one of his two boxes of cereal. The fridge was pretty scarce, only a few things littering the shelves; he grabbed the carton of milk and shut the door.

Asahi had been doing this every morning for months. He'd been on a leave of absence from his full-time job since his mental health had become too much for him to handle, causing him to be unreliable and completely unable to manage his anxious symptoms. He'd tried so hard to keep working, even working through panic attacks and nausea, but his body finally shut him down with a bang. At first he couldn't leave his apartment at all, he couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep. He wasn't much further along at this point but he'd been able to manage some short walks and occasionally a trip to the shop if he ran out of food.

Luckily, since he'd been working at the flower shop full-time for a few years, he was able to use his insurance and was getting a small portion of his earnings through disability funding. It wasn't much, but it was enough to scrape by and pay rent for his small apartment.

It's not that Asahi wanted to give up; He fought every day to keep moving, even if now the fight was simply trying to survive. Things had just steadily gotten worse over the years: his anxiety and the frequency of his panic attacks; one person can only handle so much. And now he was just existing, living one long day that never ended, afraid of his own body and mind. He didn't feel like he had control over anything, causing his fears to engulf him. He didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, and he didn't see a future without it. Asahi had been left behind.

Feeling relieved that he managed to eat his whole bowl of cereal, Asahi put the bowl on top of last night's dirty dishes in the sink, and walked down the hall into the bathroom.

Asahi undid his messy ponytail and then quickly pulled his hair back again into a tighter bun. When he returned to his room, he grabbed a toque and pulled it over his head to cover his hair. Since he'd washed it the day before, the stray perfume from his shampoo was still present and he was feeling like he couldn't breathe fully without covering it up. It felt like the world had turned its volume up in the last year. He was oversensitive to everything. Sound, touch, smells, everything was just too much.

He spent the morning reading through one of his programs. A book about nervous disorders and tools to manage them. He'd filled a small bookcase full of research and manuals, books on mental illness and agoraphobia and how other people succeeded in getting over them. Asahi hadn't found his magic solution yet, but he kept looking just in the unlikely scenario that one day a book would come along that would have the answers he needed.

For lunch, Asahi opened a Tupperware container his mother refilled regularly with plain crepes. He didn't put anything on them, just took two out and ate them in small bites. They filled a couple of the empty cracks in his stomach, enough to manage for a few more hours. Eating every day was tiring.

Asahi began to feel the weight of his early start. He was pretty used to getting tired in the day because of his poor sleep schedule and just generally getting worn out quickly, so he opened his laptop to play one of his audio meditation, and laid down on his bed to rest.

When Asahi awoke he felt worse. He had a bad feeling, a familiar feeling. Anticipating the panic that would come that night, Asahi got back out of bed; The bed that had become his haven and his prison. He tugged at his belt loops to pull up his ill-fitting pants and made his way back to his kitchen.

After his unsuccessful attempt to eat some dinner, with the looming darkness causing his stomach unrest, he made the decision to get fresh air before he'd inevitably be bedridden for the night. He didn't usually know when panic would hit, but sometimes his body would get there incredibly slowly, giving him a window of shitty opportunity to get a couple things done beforehand. So, as he promised his mother, he left his apartment to sit on the outside stairs of his building. He didn't feel comfortable leaving for a walk, too wary to be alone and away from home if things got worse. But fresh air counted for something, and he tried to focus on the fact that he left his apartment even if it was just for a short time.

He watched the world go on around him. People coming home from their work day, contributing to the world, like he should be doing. A young mother walked by with a stroller; something he'd never have. He used to want kids someday but he couldn't bear the thought of being unable to calm his child's fears if he couldn't even keep his own in check. A couple, holding hands, were smiling and laughing as they walked by leaving loneliness in their wake. Asahi had stopped trying to have any kind of relationship; how could he do that to another person? How could he put all of this on someone else? He'd already taken years off his mother's life from all the stress he gave her. It's not like he had anything to offer a partner anyway. He was a shell; a burden.

That night, Asahi had a long, exhausting panic attack. He'd paused the movie he was watching on his laptop in bed, and sat with his head in his hands and tears running down his face. He cried a lot now. He couldn't calm his heart and his jaw and hands were clenched tight. Asahi was afraid. It didn't seem to matter how often he had panic attacks, they always felt like far too much and he just wanted to be done. So badly he wanted to be done. “But I'm too much of a coward” he'd tell himself. He was too much of a coward to end his life, and too much of a coward to face his fears; leaving him in a terrifying limbo. After countless miserable hours and some prescription medication later, Asahi finally passed out.

_“I'm trying but I keep falling down  
I cry out but nothing comes now.”  
-Sia_

A passing ambulance abruptly woke Asahi that morning; the siren causing his heart to surge him awake with a gasp.

His jaw ached as he tried to eat some breakfast, choking every few times he tried to swallow. This day was not going to happen, so Asahi went back to bed. He took his medication and grabbed his phone, then pulled the covers over himself as he dialed a memorized number.

“Hello, Miyagi crisis line, Yukie speaking”

Asahi sniffled, trying to tether himself to her familiar voice.

“Hey – it's alright. I'm here. Can you tell me your name?” the woman asked.

“As- It's Asahi, again” his voice was hoarse from not speaking for over 24 hours.

“Hey Asahi,” she said, warmly. “What's going on?”

“Um-” he choked as another wash of tears came. “Um – I'm just overwhelmed. I just needed to hear something besides my- thoughts. Sorry.” he always apologized.

“No need to apologize, Asahi. It's alright. Are you somewhere safe?”

“Yeah. I'm in- I'm in my room” he strained, pulling his hood over his head, in hopes he might just disappear this time.

“Okay, that's good. You're safe, I'm here.” He tried to hold onto her words as best he could.

“Do you want me to read something again, or do you feel like talking?” she asked, patiently.

“Talking is hard.” he cleared his throat, the ache from his long-clenched jaw was painful.

“Okay, no problem.” So Yukie began to read to Asahi, as she usually did when he'd call. He found it calming to listen to someone else's voice, when he spent so much time silent and in his head.

When Asahi could feel his medication starting to hit, he said goodbye to Yukie, thanking her and letting her know that he was just going to sleep. She offered some words of encouragement and reassurance now that he was no longer panicking, and they ended their call. Asahi was tired.

-

It was mid-afternoon when Asahi woke up. His eyes were heavy from his earlier tears. Without getting out of bed, he leaned over to his bedside table and grabbed a granola bar from the box underneath. He hadn't eaten much at breakfast and had missed lunch, and his stomach wasn't super happy about it.

Somehow, Asahi didn't feel quite as awful as he had in the morning, which was a surprising reprieve. After eating his snack, he moved himself into the living room; Moving slowly and tenderly to be gentle with himself after such a rough patch. He clicked through Netflix until he settled on an animated movie. Asahi knew that it was childish to watch kid movies at his age, but they didn't trigger him like mainstream TV did, and they'd even make him laugh sometimes.

-

After successfully eating some dinner, Asahi forced himself to have a short bath. He used to love showers and baths, but now they'd become a chore. He used as little shampoo as he could, breathing through his mouth to avoid inhaling the bothersome scents, and washed himself quickly.

He glanced in the mirror after stepping out of the bath; he hated mirrors. All they did was remind him of how much weight and muscle he'd lost, how miserable he looked. The dark circles under his eyes seemed to be permanent, and his cheekbones and ribs always seemed a little more noticeable every time he looked. He didn't even stand up straight anymore.

Asahi walked back into his room and didn't bother to brush or dry his hair before pulling it back again. His clothes didn't really fit anymore, but he was always too anxious to go to the store, so he just wore loose jeans and a shirt as usual.

Now that he felt a little bit more stable, not that “stable” was really a word he'd ever use to describe himself, he decided to take a short walk.

There was a park across the street that Asahi would visit. He'd usually try to walk the path through it and then back around, which took about 25 minutes. Asahi was listening to some quiet music in his headphones as he walked, breathing even and actually mildly enjoying the outdoors. He took out his phone and typed out a text to his mother to check in, turning around at the end of the path to return home.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

The next day, Asahi had been able to eat his breakfast; finishing up the last of his milk. He'd have to go to the shop to buy some at some point. He spent his afternoon playing his keyboard on a low volume, a hobby he'd picked up a few years prior. Asahi enjoyed music, and even though he wasn't amazing at playing it, it was one of the few outlets he could still enjoy.

He puttered around the apartment until he finally got himself up to go to the shop that evening. Asahi left the house in a pair of sweats and a baggy zip-up hoodie, paired with his already-elevated heart rate.

-

Asahi held his breath to keep from running out of the shop while he paid the cashier, quickly grabbing his bag and holding it to his chest as he walked to the exit. The bell above the door rang as he opened it, and then again as the door closed behind him. Asahi readjusted the grocery bag in his tired arms and looked up to go home, but was stopped in his tracks at the sight before him.

“Asahi?” Nishinoya asked, almost like he wasn't really sure it was him.

“Nishinoya- Hi.” Asahi said quietly, slowly walking toward his old friend.

Nishinoya was stood on the sidewalk with his hands in his pockets. He was in a black hoodie, ripped up jeans, converse, and a backpack. His hair wasn't tall and spiky anymore, it was dark and messy, and he had scattered piercings on his ears and a hoop in his nose. He looked really different.

“How are you?? I haven't seen you forever!” Nishinoya asked with a bit of an edge to his voice. Asahi couldn't place it.

“Oh- I'm.. I'm okay.” this was now Asahi's go-to response to 'How are you'. He didn't want to dump all his shit on other people just because they were trying to be polite, no one really wanted to know how he was.

“What about you? I thought you were in Tokyo.” he swallowed, adjusting the heavy grocery bag in his arms.

“I was – I'm just visiting family. You know how it is!” Nishinoya responded. He lied. But Asahi didn't have to know that.

Asahi gave him a weak smile, it was a little awkward, but they both seemed to be standing their ground.

“Do you want company walking home? I can take those for you, if you want” Nishinoya asked, moving to grab the bag in Asahi's arms.

“Oh, no it's-” Asahi started, but Nishinoya had already reached for them. “...Thank you” Asahi said. He had been having trouble holding it all, though if Noya noticed his weakness, he didn't mention it.

The walk to Asahi's apartment was short and quiet. Neither one really sure where to start.

“This is mine,” Asahi pointed at his building as they walked up to it. He reached out to grab his bag from Nishinoya. “Thanks, for carrying these. It was nice to see you.”

“No problem, Asahi. See you around!” Nishinoya smiled, waving and quickly turning to leave.

They parted ways while Asahi went up to his apartment, Nishinoya kept walking, without an actual destination in mind.

-

Nishinoya crossed the street and into the park that Asahi usually walked through. He found himself sat on a swing, glancing over at Asahi's apartment.

Noya wondered why, of all times, he had to run into Asahi now. Now, when things were so shitty, when he looked and felt like garbage, and had to fake his way through conversation.

Asahi didn't look like he used to. He didn't stand as tall, he'd definitely lost weight, and he looked like he hadn't slept since high school; Like he might fall over if a strong breeze rolled by. Noya looked down at his ratty jeans and shoes, it wasn't like he was in better shape or anything.  
-

A little while later, Asahi went to his room to get ready for bed. When he glanced out the window his eyes caught at movement in the distance. Nishinoya was sat in one of the swings across the street. Had he been there the whole time? Asahi wondered, watching Noya kick at the pavement.

Nishinoya seemed distracted, like his mind was far away. He didn't seem to have as much energy, and his eyes weren't as bright. But Asahi couldn't judge, not with his pathetic excuse for a life.

Still, he looked defeated. And Asahi really wondered what had happened.

_“Sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself  
because I could find no language to describe them in”   
– Jane Austen_

The next day, Nishinoya left his dad's house in the afternoon on another directionless walk. He felt restless without school or a job, or a plan. So instead of sleeping all day, which he sometimes did, he made his way through the neighbourhood, staring at his feet and not paying attention to the world around him.

When he found himself near Asahi's again, he tuned back into his environment. Noticing his ex-teammate sitting on his apartment steps, staring out at the street.

“Hey again,” he said when he walked into Asahi's line of sight from the sidewalk.

“Oh, Hey Noya” Asahi said, surprised.

“Mind if I join you?” Nishinoya looked at the ground, not really knowing where he hoped to go with the suggestion.

“Uh- Sure.” Asahi answered, feeling his chest tighten at the thought of having to interact with someone else.

Nishinoya opened the gate to the apartment lawn, and walked up to sit on the step below Asahi's feet, sitting sideways and leaning his back against the stone railing of the stairs. They stayed quiet for a bit.

“How come you're just sitting out here in the middle of the day?” Nishinoya asked randomly, the first thing he could think that he felt comfortable asking.

“I just wanted to get some fresh air. Wasn't really up for a walk.” Asahi said, looking at his hands.

Nishinoya nodded. He didn't really have a follow-up and felt awkward.

“Were you walking somewhere?” Asahi asked quietly.

“Oh- No. I just.. needed to get some fresh air too.” Nishinoya replied. Their conversations used to be so comfortable, why was this barrier so thick on both sides?

Asahi sighed. “I feel a bit silly.”

“Why?”

Asahi smiled uncomfortably. “I mean, I can imagine what you must be thinking, seeing me, looking like this.” he motioned to himself, shaking his head in frustration. He hated how he'd deteriorated, how he felt about himself.

“I was actually thinking the same thing, but the other way around, to be honest.” Nishinoya tried to smile and shrugged.

Asahi finally looked at Nishinoya who was staring down the street. He was in the same hoodie and pants but his sleeves were rolled up, displaying some scarring. Asahi didn't say anything, assuming Nishinoya probably didn't realize he could see them.

“I guess we're both not really at our best,” Asahi said. He looked to Noya's eyes instead of his arms.

Nishinoya turned to Asahi with a sad smile and sighed quietly in acknowledgement.

-

“I'm getting pretty tired. Would it be okay if I went back inside?” Asahi felt badly for asking, but he had already felt drained before leaving the house.

“Oh! Sure. Asahi-” Nishinoya quickly stood, having been lost in his thoughts again. “Do you-” he paused, unsure.

Asahi stood, and looked tentatively at Noya, expecting more from his sentence.

“Do you... think I could sit with you again sometime? This was.. nice.” Nishinoya hadn't enjoyed anyone else's company in a while.

Asahi wanted to lie down and rest. But it had been nice to have someone to sit with. “Yeah, that'd be okay”

Nishinoya smiled in acknowledgement, he put his hands back in his pockets and walked towards the street, returning from the direction he came from. Asahi watched him leave for a moment before heading back up to his apartment.

-

Asahi woke up at almost midnight after finally nodding off during his attempted meditation. He was frustrated at the fact that he woke up so late and now would be up half the night again. Asahi grumbled to himself as he got out of bed, heading to the kitchen for a snack. He clicked through his phone and noticed a Facebook message from Nishinoya.

//11:06pm, from Nishinoya Yuu: Hey Asahi. So, I don't know what kind of schedule you have, but I guess just let me know the next time you want to sit, or walk, whatever. Thanks again for letting me hang with you today.//

Asahi actually smiled to himself. He didn't really get messages much anymore, once in awhile Daichi and Suga would check in but they were so busy with university back in Tokyo they hadn't written much lately.

//11:54pm, from Azumane Asahi: I'm not so good with committing to plans at the moment, but maybe if you ever feel like doing something you could message me and I will let you know if I'm up for it. Would that be okay?//

Nishinoya almost immediately responded.

//11:55pm, from Nishinoya Yuu: Sure, that works too! Sorry to message so late.//

//11:56pm, from Azumane Asahi: That's okay, I'm awake. I sleep at weird times.//

//11:56pm, from Nishinoya Yuu: me too.//


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

It didn't take more than a couple weeks to open their lives back up to each other. Nishinoya began to join Asahi for some of his walks, and sometimes they'd just watch a movie together when leaving was too much for Asahi. They didn't expect anything from each other, which was a relief on both sides. They were just two lonely people that found a way to feel a little less lonely, even if it meant just silently coexisting near each other.

Sometimes Nishinoya would bring a bit of food by, leaving it in the fridge for when Asahi felt like he could eat. If Asahi was panicking, Nishinoya would stay and keep him company, giving him space or reassurance when needed. If Noya felt like his thoughts were spiralling, he'd make the short walk to Asahi's; Asahi was usually awake so it didn't matter when he visited. They were falling back to how they interacted in high school, with a closeness that they were only comfortable experiencing with each other.

-

“It's okay, I'm here.” Nishinoya reassured.

Asahi couldn't speak, his heart was pounding and he was scared; He struggled to swallow and his breathing was shallow.

Nishinoya was learning to slow down, when dealing with Asahi's panic. At first, Noya struggled to know what was best, trying to fix everything all at once. But each time it happened he got better with being patient and being calming and helpful.

Asahi was sat with his knees up to his chest, in bed, while Noya lay down at his side. He knew that Asahi would let him know when touching would be comforting, usually during the worst of his attacks he didn't like being crowded, so Noya would wait.

“You're safe, you're not alone” Noya would say, sometimes counting as he inhaled and exhaled so Asahi could follow.

When Asahi's heart finally started to calm, he'd slowly lean back down into his bed. Noya would massage his hand or wipe his face, caring for him while he settled. It wasn't a science, but Noya seemed to learn how to ease some of the pain.

_“I think hell is something you carry around with you,  
not somewhere you go”   
\- Neil Gaiman_

Asahi awoke that afternoon, feeling calm but drained from his earlier panic. Nishinoya was passed out next to him with an arm lazily around Asahi's waist. Asahi began to trace the scars worn into Noya's skin while he slept. They hadn't been this close since high school, and Asahi wasn't as uncomfortable with the closeness as he was when it was other people. Noya always had a way of making him feel safe.

Nishinoya still hadn't spoken much about why he was back or why he had scars, but Asahi didn't want to pry. He was trying to just be grateful that he was there. Nishinoya began to stir.

“I'm sorry about earlier.” Asahi whispered.

“Don't be.” Nishinoya mumbled sleepily.

“I know. I just have to say it.” Asahi sighed.

Nishinoya chuckled and opened his eyes; “I know you do. And I will keep reminding you that it's alright.”

Asahi kept lightly massaging his thumb over Nishinoya’s arm, mindlessly staring out his window. Nishinoya watched Asahi’s hand move over the scars, worrying about what Asahi thought; he hadn't really talked about it.

“I'm not really... visiting.” Nishinoya said quietly, out of nowhere.

“I kinda figured.” Asahi responded.

“I wanted to tell you. I just- I didn't want you to think less of me.” Nishinoya began to anxiously fumble with the fabric of Asahi's shirt where his hand lay.

“I would never. Besides, it's not like you're seeing me at a high point either.” Asahi looked down at himself and then back to Noya.

Nishinoya knew he wanted to tell Asahi, he knew Asahi should know the things that had happened in the intervening years. He just hadn't really talked about it with anyone besides his doctor and his dad, and even then it was hard.

Noya propped his head onto his free arm, looking down at Asahi who still lay beside him. “Do you remember when we used to hang out in high school, and how I was crazy about you but I couldn't... I couldn't commit.”

Asahi looked up to meet Noya's eyes, moving his hands to hold Noya's anxious one on his stomach.

“When my mom died when I was a kid, I didn't really know how to process it at the time; I don't think I knew how to grieve or be without her. It was something I avoided talking about; partially because I didn't want people to pity me.” He swallowed. “Through high school my self esteem just kept dropping and my depression got worse, and I kept having to make up for it by pretending nothing was wrong. Which made me not want to let people in, I didn't want to be a burden, I didn't want to let anyone down; especially you-” Asahi tilted his head more to follow Noya's sombre expression. There was no way he'd ever think of Noya as a burden.

“Then when I started university, I think I lost a part of myself without volleyball. Like I didn't belong or have a purpose. I didn't know what I was doing there, I didn't know anybody, and I was really alone. Then my grandpa- you remember my grandpa right?” Nishinoya paused to ask.

Asahi nodded again, remembering the sweet man that helped raise Noya.

Nishinoya sighed. “He got sick, and it was just my mom all over again. I couldn't concentrate, my heart hurt all the time, I started questioning everything; and I couldn't do anything to help him, all I could do was stand by and wait. And then he died.” Noya's eyes faced down again, but as always, he tried to hide the emotion behind them.

“After that, I just... I don't know, whatever clarity I had left was gone. I skipped classes, I slept too much, I'd walk by cemeteries and wish I was in the ground too, or that a car would hit me just so I could feel something else. I started doing this-” he nodded at his arm with guilt.

“And one day I just felt like I didn't want to do it anymore. And I-” Noya stopped and shook his head in embarrassment, weighted with shame. Asahi raised one of his hands to touch Noya's cheek for a quiet moment, reassuring him with his eyes that it was okay. Asahi tried so hard not to look as scared as he felt to hear the rest of the story.

“It was pretty cowardly actually. I didn't want to ruin anyone's life by having to find me, so I ended up on a Tokyo bridge at 1 am. And when I was staring down at the water, trying to make sense of my head, someone stopped their car and talked me back. I was taken to the hospital and sent home when I'd calmed down.” Noya swallowed, disappointment filling his eyes.

“So I dropped out of university, was scheduled to see a psychologist, and came back to live with my dad to help at his shop again. He welcomed me home, and hasn't put pressure on me to go back. I think I finally realized he might need me just as much as I need him.”

“But I'm still lost. I'm still fucked up. I still don't know what I'm doing. I still miss them.” he leaned his head back down into the pillow, staring at Asahi's shoulder next to him.

“Thanks for telling me.” Asahi said quietly. Nishinoya glanced up to Asahi's eyes and gave him a small smile.

“I'm sorry I'm not the brave 'guardian' you thought I was.” Noya said regretfully. Asahi shook his head at the comment.

“You're still brave, to me.” he said earnestly. Nishinoya's lip wavered as he huddled closer.

_“I always swore to you I'd never fall apart._  
You always thought that I was stronger,   
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start”   
-Secondhand Serenade 


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

//5:12pm, from Azumane Asahi: I should bnot have gone t the shop today, I regret//

//5:14pm, from Nishinoya Yuu: U okay??//

//5:15pm, from Azumane Asahi: My heart has been racing all dday. Why doesn't ny heart work?? Also im walking so sry for spellig mistakes//

//5:16pm, from Nishinoya Yuu: lol your heart works, it just gets confused. Want me to meet you?//

//5:16pm, from Azumane Asahi: Ill be home in a few minutes but u could come ovver//

//5:17pm, from Nishinoya Yuu: I'll be there!//

Asahi unlocked his door and put his groceries on the counter, then sat down on the couch to catch his breath. His heart was just not functioning right that day, it was almost funny.

Nishinoya showed up a little while later and began cooking some dinner for them. Asahi didn't like to cook anymore because he'd usually lose his appetite by the time his food was ready, so sometimes Noya would take it upon himself to raid the fridge.

-

“Yeah, so my doc wants me to try again-” Nishinoya raised his voice so Asahi could hear him from the couch. “Even though they've never helped in the past.”

“I mean, I know it's awful to deal with side effects, but there are so many kinds of medications out there. It took me three tries to find the one I'm on now, and I don't even know if it's helping. Though I don't cry every day anymore like I used to.” Asahi chuckled to himself. He still cried more than your average person.

“I know. But the last one I tried I couldn't even get passed the side effects. I quit before I even knew if it worked.” Nishinoya said as he stirred their soup.

“You don't have to do it. But if you decide to, I'll be here.” Asahi said. He'd do his best.

“Thanks- I apologize ahead of time if I'm a total mess.” Nishinoya laughed, but he was very apprehensive. He set some dishes on the small table as Asahi joined him.

“I have no right to call anyone a mess. Look at me, it's not like I have anything good going for me.” Asahi smirked in self-pity. “I mean, I can't even walk to the store without my heart going through the roof” 

“You're not a mess, Asahi. Things aren't great, but I know you'll figure it out.” Nishinoya tried to sound positive.

“Noya, come on. I sleep with a light on, I don't work, I'm basically afraid of my shadow. I've lost most of the muscle I used to have, I don't stand up straight, I'm always tired, and I need someone else to cook for me. It's not like I have anything to offer others, or date, I don't think I could even kiss someone anymore without panicking, forget sex- Plus, I cry all the time, sometimes I can't leave the house, my clothes don't fit-” Asahi rambled..

“Well that's no good, Asahi!” Nishinoya interrupted, laughing at how pathetic they both sounded. “Though I might actually be able to help with at least part of that” he said a bit quieter.

Asahi glanced over, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I know it's been a long time but we've kissed before, right? And I'm not a stranger. If you mess up or want to stop, I won't leave or get mad-” Nishinoya cut himself off when he realized Asahi hadn't even agreed.

“I feel like this would only be beneficial for me, and not you” Asahi mumbled, telling himself for the millionth time that he had nothing to offer anyone, especially not Noya. “And I might not even be able to handle it, my throat might close up and I'll choke” Asahi poked at the noodles in his bowl with his spoon.

Nishinoya shushed him with a 'tsk'. He stood and stepped towards where Asahi sat, standing close but not too close, and looking down at him calmly. Asahi exhaled nervously and gulped, looking up at him. Nishinoya didn't kiss him, he just moved his hands to Asahi's shoulders and paused. Asahi's heart sped up, with a mixture of panic and anticipation.

“How's this?” Nishinoya asked without moving back.

“It's- It's a lot.” Asahi said, his breathing had picked up and his throat was tight, he didn't want to move.

“That's okay. Should I stop?” Nishinoya asked, pulling away slightly in case the answer was yes.

Asahi's head was swimming just like he'd anticipated, but he didn't answer. He just kept looking into Noya's eyes, searching for and finding a bit of ground as his hands clenched the fabric of his own jeans. He shook his head after a moment. Noya smiled and leaned back in slowly. At first he just lightly grazed Asahi's lips with his, testing the waters. Asahi wasn't pulling back so Noya pressed closer into a sweet and short kiss. Asahi lightly pressed back, afraid to push further.

Nishinoya pulled away after a few seconds, not wanting to crowd him. “Okay?”

“Mhm,” Asahi cautiously moved his hands to Noya's hips in front of him, letting his head lean against Noya's stomach for a moment while he caught his breath. Nishinoya moved his hands to Asahi's hair and waited while Asahi calmed.

_“So come over now and talk me down”  
-Troye Sivan_

The first few days of antidepressants made Nishinoya tired, but if that was all he'd have to deal with then he was willing to wait it out. Unfortunately, about a week in, side effects hit him like a train and his mind was spiralling. Nishinoya's stomach hurt and he was exhausted. His thoughts were toxic as darkness pushed through the weak dam he'd been trying to rebuild in his mind.

Nishinoya sat on the floor with his back against his bed, staring at the razor in his hand, struggling. The doctor had said that side effects could include suicidal thoughts but the list of possible side effects was so long, he'd just expected the physical symptoms he'd experienced when he'd tried meds in the past.

Noya's eyes were heavy with unshed tears and brain fog. His mind had been filling up with intrusive and distorted thoughts as they cut quick and cruel like a knife. He'd been spending too much time alone again and his dad was still at work.

He wanted someone to be there but the guilt he felt was suffocating him. He felt like he was slowly breaking apart as his body felt worse every second that passed. Nishinoya was scared, and so tired of fighting, he didn't even know how long he'd been sitting there.

Nishinoya was at a crossroads.

_“And I know I like to draw that line, when it starts to get too real,  
But the less time that I spend with you, the less you need to heal”  
-Troye Sivan_

Nishinoya’s phone buzzed. He had been cautiously ignoring it through the day, not wanting to burden Asahi. But he was losing himself, so he moved his empty hand to his phone, checking the messages as his heart rate continued to rage.

//11:38am, from Azumane Asahi: Hey, How are the side effects today?//

//2:09pm, from Azumane Asahi: I hope you're managing alright. Check in if you feel like it.//

//6:14pm, from Azumane Asahi: Sorry to keep messaging, could you just send me a text so I know you're ok?//

//7:35pm, from Azumane Asahi: I'm worried. Please get back to me when you get this.//

Nishinoya stared at the screen for a few minutes, trying to get at least one clear thought through his drowning mind. He needed help. He was so afraid of himself. So when his phone started buzzing in his hand, Nishinoya cautiously clicked the answer button.

“Noya?” Asahi sighed with relief. “Sorry for messaging so mu-”

“Asahi-” Nishinoya's emotions were getting the better of him quickly, “I'm- I’m not okay. I can't calm d- I don't know if I-” he struggled to be coherent, his whole body was clenched as he stared in horror at the metal rectangle held in his fingers.

Asahi's stomach dropped. He'd never heard Noya's voice sound like it did, and he'd never felt this strong of a need to run as fast as he could towards another person, away from the safety of his home.

“I'm coming over- just- just wait” Asahi said as he quickly went to his room to grab his bag, packing his medication and a few other safety materials he might need while he was gone.

“I'm sorry-” Noya spoke weakly.

“It's okay, you don't have to apologize. Just stay on the phone with me, okay? I'm leaving now.” Asahi was firm in a way he hadn't been in a very long time. His protective instincts were pushing past his agoraphobic habits and he was going to do what he could.

The door to Nishinoya's was unlocked and Asahi could still hear Noya’s unsteady breathing on the other end of the line. He opened the door and locked it behind him, kicking off his shoes and moving quickly to Noya's bedroom.

When Asahi opened the door, he found Nishinoya frozen on the floor. His eyes were big and unstable, with his phone in one hand and a razor in the other. Asahi's heart was in his throat, he dropped his bag and fell to the floor next to Noya.

It was almost like Nishinoya didn't realize he was there right away, jumping when Asahi put his hand lightly onto his shoulder.

“Noya?” Asahi asked quietly, just trying to assess the situation. He couldn't see any blood or any signs of injury, but that only assured him of the lack of physical harm and not what might be going on inside Noya's head. Asahi exhaled and cautiously reached to take the razor from Noya's hands, placing it on the floor on the other side of him so it was out of reach.

Nishinoya finally glanced at Asahi and then he broke. His shaky hands covered his eyes as he started to sob; small and lost. Asahi immediately moved to Noya's side and wrapped his arms around him. Nishinoya shivered and cried, completely distraught.

“I- I-” Nishinoya started, sputtering between shallow breaths. “It's too much- I can't-” he gripped tightly and desperately to the front of Asahi's shirt.

“I know. I'm here.” Asahi was trying so hard to keep his shit together for just once in his life. Nishinoya always preferred contact when he was sad or upset, so Asahi stayed close, trying to somehow shelter Noya from his demons.

_“So angels please, hear my prayer_  
Life is pain, life’s not fair  
So angels please; please stay here  
Take the pain; take the fear.”  
-Julia Brennan 

A couple hours later, yes, a couple of hours, Asahi heard the front door open and shut. Nishinoya was breathing more regularly but was in and out of sleep as he leaned into Asahi where they still sat on the floor. There were a few approaching steps and a quiet knock on Noya's bedroom door, then Nishinoya's dad opened it softly to check in on his son.

Asahi glanced up, an apologetic look on his face, as the familiar man sighed at the sight of his broken offspring. He stepped into the room and knelt down to place a hand on Noya's cheek and forehead. Noya mumbled in his sleep but didn't wake.

“Rough night?” his dad whispered to Asahi with a worried look on his face. He looked tired.

“Yeah.” Asahi answered quietly. Noya's dad was a kind man but he'd been through a lot, having to raise Noya on his own while grieving. Having to keep working even though he knew his son was at home struggling.

“Do you think we can get him into his bed?” the older man asked quietly. Asahi nodded. Together they stood, carefully helping Noya into bed.

“Were you going to stay? Do you need anything?” Nishinoya's dad asked, he knew that Asahi and his son had always had a complicated relationship, but no matter what, he knew his son was cared for.

Asahi hadn't really thought that far ahead, but decided he would try as hard as he could to stay, even though he hadn't slept away from home for months and the idea gave him anxiety. “I can stay, at least for a bit. And no, I don't need anything, but thank you.”

“I should be the one thanking you.” Nishinoya's dad said softly, pausing as he began to get emotional, just like Noya usually did. 

“I worry every day that I'll come home and he'll be gone. Thanks for helping keep him here.” he placed a firm but comforting hand on Asahi's taller shoulder.

Asahi nodded, not knowing what he could say that could convey how he was feeling. Nishinoya's dad gave him another squeeze on the shoulder before heading out of the room, closing the door half way behind him. Asahi walked to Noya's desk and moved the chair to the side of the bed where he sat down.

_“My knees went weak and you saw me cry  
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes”  
-The Script_

Nishinoya was brave, Asahi thought to himself. Nishinoya had been a pillar of support from the day he walked into the Karasuno gym. He'd helped others, he'd helped Asahi. Asahi's heart hurt at the thought of how much pain Noya was in, wishing he could take the weight off, wishing he could see the spark in Noya's eyes again. He felt selfish for wanting Noya to keep fighting even when he was miserable.

“Asahi?” Noya muttered, opening his eyes part way. Asahi turned to look at his friend, curled up in bed.

“I know it's a lot to ask. But could you stay? And just lie here with me for a bit.” Nishinoya's voice was hushed. He swallowed with difficulty through his dry throat. Asahi nodded. In that moment he would have done anything Noya asked. So Asahi stood, he took off his beanie and tied up his hair, walked to the other side of the bed and lay down.

When they were younger, Noya was the big spoon more often than not. But when he felt lousy, it made him feel better to be the little spoon, tucked safe in Asahi's arms; like he was being sheltered from whatever storm was raging at the time.

Noya was still facing away on his side, so Asahi slowly moved behind him, framing his shorter legs and slowly wrapping his arm around his middle. Nishinoya's hands were up in front of him and immediately closed around Asahi's as he moved into the embrace. Asahi monitored and watched over Nishinoya until he fell asleep.

_“But I wanna sleep next to you_  
And that's all I wanna do right now  
And I wanna come home to you  
But home is just a room full of my safest sounds  
So come over now and talk me down.”  
-Troye Sivan 

The next few weeks were exhausting but eventually things did start to improve. Nishinoya's dad gave Asahi a key so he could come and go as needed, in case it was a stay-in-bed day or there was an emergency. Asahi found his anxiety being greatly tested, and even though it was difficult, he had been able to be there when necessary.

-

“Hey Noya?” Asahi finally spoke after going over his thoughts one day, completely oblivious of what they were watching. Nishinoya was sat with Asahi's feet in his lap at the other end of the small couch. It had been a better day.

Nishinoya turned away from the TV to face Asahi. “What's up?”

“Is this.. Is this okay?” Asahi asked, glancing at his feet.

“Is what okay?” Nishinoya looked puzzled.

“..Us? Whatever we are. It's been a couple months and we haven't really talked about it.” Asahi began to worry his hands in his lap.

“I mean, I'm okay with it. Are you okay with it?” Nishinoya questioned.

“I'm- Are you sure? Don't you want something more than this? ...More than me?” Asahi asked, unable to hide his severely low self-esteem.

Noya focused his eyes, trying to read Asahi's mind somehow. “Why are you suddenly worried about this?”

“You know I worry about everything.” Asahi smirked, he was being honest. “I guess... I don't know what we are, what you want-”

Nishinoya smiled. “I don't know what we are either. But I like being with you, I always have. I don't want you to keep thinking I need something more from you. What do you want, Asahi?”

“I don't know if I can handle more. I really don't know if I have anything for you here.” Asahi paused. “But I do.. want more. If I'm being honest.” he finally looked up to Noya's grinning face.

“Me too.” Nishinoya said quietly. He smiled and leaned a little to his side, silently proposing a kiss but watching to see if Asahi would be up for it. Asahi gulped and leaned in slowly to reciprocate. He let his hand lift to Noya's cheek for a few extra seconds as they kissed.

“Hope your expectations are low!” Asahi laughed after they'd parted.

“Let's just have no expectations for now, okay? You just be you and I'll be me and we'll do things our way, our speed.” Nishinoya said, pulling Asahi's legs up a bit tighter.

Asahi chuckled. “That works for me.”

After another few weeks, Nishinoya felt more like a human again; a depressed human, but a human nonetheless.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

Asahi had been under the weather for about a week already and it wasn't budging. He was in bed with a headache and was always too hot or too cold. He felt sick and tired all the time and nothing seemed to help him feel better. He had been eating even less than normal because of his stomach and his throat, so by the end of the week he was in significantly rougher shape.

Nishinoya was playing some video games in the living room while Asahi napped, he'd brought over his game system so they could play Mario Kart but he'd also brought some of his own solo games to keep him busy while Asahi rested.

Nishinoya heard footsteps down the hall, so he paused his game to listen in case Asahi needed anything. He heard a shelf being opened and water from the tap, and then suddenly a loud thud. Nishinoya was instantly up and running to the bathroom, completely unsure what the loud noises were but his guts were in knots.

He knocked on the door, no response.

He called out for Asahi, again, no response.

“I'm coming in, okay?” he said, opening the thankfully-unlocked bathroom door. Asahi was crumpled on the floor, completely unconscious.

“Asahi!” Nishinoya dropped to the ground next to his partner, pulling him up in his arms, frantically saying his name over and over in hopes of response. After a few moments of straight panic he tried to focus himself. Asahi had blood on his cheek and when Noya went to check, the cut didn't seem too big, but he wasn't sure. He quickly thanked the universe for not letting Asahi's eye get damaged from (he assumed) hitting it on the counter when he fainted. He leaned in to check for Asahi's breath, which was present, thank god. He felt Asahi's forehead with his free hand and it was burning up.

“Shit-” Nishinoya quickly pulled out his phone and called emergency services. While on the phone, he reached frantically to wet a washcloth in the bath faucet and placed the cold cloth on Asahi's forehead.

Once he'd hung up, he continued to try to rouse Asahi. Nishinoya was now leaned against the tub with Asahi propped in his arms, stroking his hair and hoping the cloth would help until the paramedics arrived. He knew the ambulance would be there within a few minutes but it felt like hours. He moved a hand onto Asahi's chest, feeling his erratic heartbeat. 

“Please stay with me.” he begged in a whisper.

_“Hold on, I still want you  
Come back, I still need you”  
-Chord Overstreet_

Asahi finally stirred, barely opening his eyes.

“Asahi! Asahi, can you hear me??” Nishinoya spoke anxiously.

“Noya- I-” Asahi whispered.

“Hey- It's okay but-” Noya rambled. “Your fever is really bad, can you try and stay awake for me? Please say something.” he needed to hear Asahi's voice just to reassure himself.

Asahi coughed. “I'm really sorry-”

“Don't worry, it's alright,” Nishinoya moved his hand to Asahi's face as he got emotional, placing a soft kiss to his lips. Asahi started to smile before passing out again.

“No-No! Asahi- Come back to me-” Noya called, trying to get a reaction. He had his whole world in his hands and it was falling away from his grip.

Finally he heard a knock on the door and the paramedics got Asahi into the ambulance. Nishinoya went along, making sure to call Asahi's mom on the way. The paramedics continued trying to rouse Asahi and check his vitals.

_“A long endless highway, you're silent beside me  
Drivin' a nightmare I can't escape from  
Helplessly praying, the light isn't fadin'  
Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones  
They took you away on a table  
I pace back and forth as you lay still”  
-Chord Overstreet_

Nishinoya wasn't allowed to go in with him right away because he wasn't family, so he had to watch them pull Asahi away from him down the hallway. He stayed in the waiting room, pacing, until Asahi's mom arrived in a hurry.

“Yuu! Yuu, are you okay? What happened??” Mrs. Azumane rushed over to Nishinoya when she saw him. She put her hands on his face to check him over to make sure he was in one piece.

Nishinoya nodded, still in her hands. “He had a really high fever and he fainted when he went to get water from the bathroom. I'm sorry I didn't get it for him – I was in another room because he was sleeping and he didn't call me for help – and then he fell and I don't know if he hurt himself badly or if he's even awake and they won't tell me anything. Could you go and check? Please?” Noya pleaded quietly as he looked up at Asahi's mother.

Mrs. Azumane pulled Nishinoya into a hug. “Boy, I'm just glad you were there. I'll go check on him right now.” 

Nishinoya finally decided to sit while he waited; his thoughts were running wild. “Please don't let anything happen to him” he begged in his mind. “Please don't take him away from me too.” he pleaded, putting his head in his hands.

_“I pull you in to feel your heartbeat  
Can you hear me screaming "please don't leave me"”  
-Chord Overstreet_

By that evening, Asahi had been moved into a regular room and Nishinoya finally was able to see him.

“Hey my dear,” Mrs. Azumane stood from her chair beside her son's bed when Nishinoya entered. She smiled warmly, looking much more relieved than before.

Nishinoya closed the door and walked slowly towards them. Asahi's eyes were open and he was propped up with pillows. He looked exhausted but he gave a small smile, “Hey Noya.”

“Hey.” Nishinoya responded cautiously.

“So-” Mrs. Azumane began, as Nishinoya turned to her. “He has a bad fever, which they've started to get under control. His body wasn't fighting whatever flu he had because his immune system is so poor from malnutrition, and he fainted just from a mixture of everything. Basically he needs to rest and he needs to eat more-”

“Which she's been bothering me about for months. I know. It's just- it's hard.” Asahi stressed. It wasn't that he didn't want to eat, but his appetite was still practically non-existent.

“I know it's hard but I need you alive. We'll figure something out, the doctor said he'd give me some suggestions.” She answered.

Nishinoya was still quiet, registering that Asahi should be okay. He felt a bit of relief ease his anxiety as he watched the two of them talk.

“I'm going to go to Asahi's apartment to grab some things, would you be willing to stay a little longer until I get back?” Mrs. Azumane asked him. “I can give you fare to taxi home after.”

“Yeah-” Nishinoya cleared his throat, “Yes, of course I'll stay.”

Mrs. Azumane smiled then began to put on her coat and collect her things. She kissed her son on the forehead and assured them she wouldn't be long, leaving them alone in the quiet hospital room. Nishinoya didn't like hospitals, people only died there, in his experience. Seeing Asahi attached to tubes and wires was familiar and distressing; he had to keep reminding himself it would be fine.

“You can sit down, if you want.” Asahi said, still quiet.

Nishinoya nodded and moved to the chair on the side of the bed. He worried his hands in his lap.

“I'm sorry for scaring you.” Asahi spoke softly, as though he was embarrassed.

“Seriously, stop apologizing.” Nishinoya tried to reassure.

“I should have gone to the doctor sooner. I was just being stubborn and was afraid to go.” Asahi said, beating himself up about putting everyone through something he could have prevented.

Nishinoya leaned closer to the bed, they both reached for each others closest hand. “I'm just glad you'll be okay.”

Asahi sighed, leaning back into his pillow. “They said I have to stay until my fever and flu are gone. They're giving me a bunch of stuff to help me fight off the sickness since my body sucks at doing that now apparently.” he groaned, motioning to the tubes in his arms. “But I should be back in a couple days.”

Nishinoya nodded. His hands tightened around Asahi's reflexively, he was still coming down from his own earlier distress. He stared at their hands, wondering what he'd do without Asahi.

“Hey-” Asahi leaned his head to the side to try to catch Noya's wide eyes. “I'll be okay, really.” he reassured.

Noya nodded and swallowed. He was finally feeling the exhaustion of the day hit him.

“I know, I know. I just- don't really like hospitals; and I was... I was really scared.” Noya said honestly.

“I know you were.” Asahi returned the hand squeeze, looking at Noya affectionately.

Nishinoya sighed and stood, leaning over the bed to kiss his partner. Asahi let his free hand wrap around Noya's neck reassuringly while they kissed.

“I love you.” Asahi said after their lips had parted. His tired eyes looked up into Noya's.

Nishinoya's eyes went wide, he pressed his forehead to Asahi's and smiled. “I love you too” he whispered.

Noya sat back down and pulled his chair closer to the bed. They talked quietly until Mrs. Azumane returned.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

Over the next few days, Nishinoya continued to help his dad at work and visited Asahi. He was keeping himself moving and keeping himself busy.

On the day Asahi was coming home, Nishinoya went to his apartment and cleaned up. He did whatever dishes had been left and did laundry, wanting to make sure Asahi didn't have to do anything when he got back.

-

“When was the last time you had a haircut..?” Nishinoya teased, as he watched Asahi try to untangle his hair elastic one afternoon.

Asahi laughed. “A long time. Over a year.” he said, embarrassed. “I just haven't been able to handle the smells and the social parts of going to get it done.”

“If you wanted, I could cut it for you.” Nishinoya suggested, as though he only just realized he knew how to.

“Really? You can do that?” Asahi turned, still with his hands in his hair.

“Yeah, my dad's been teaching me since I was a teenager and I've helped in his shop since I was a younger. We could use that shampoo I got you while you were gone, and we could do it here in the apartment. No leaving necessary.” Noya grinned, happy he could tangibly help out.

“I mean, if you want to, I think I could handle it if you did it.” Asahi went back to trying to untangle his hair.

“Come here-” Nishinoya laughed, “You're just making it worse!” he reached his hands out from where he sat on the bed.

Asahi sighed in surrender and grabbed his brush, he walked to the bed and sat down. Nishinoya slowly and thoroughly brushed through his hair, making sure to remove the elastic that was tangled.

The shampoo and conditioner Nishinoya had brought over was scent-free and made Asahi's life a million times easier. Nishinoya moved quickly to wash and trim Asahi's hair, keeping it long but getting rid of all the split ends and cleaning it up. They chatted easily, talking about whatever came to mind. Noya made sure to explain what he was doing as he went so Asahi could feel more in control and comfortable.

After he showered, Asahi looked at himself in the mirror, running his fingers through his hair for the first time in a long time. He was feeling better than he had earlier that day just by simply getting this one thing off his long list of things to do. He turned to a watchful Noya.

“Thank you.” Asahi said, leaning down to kiss him. Initiating and following through on the action.

“Hey! Progress!” Nishinoya said excitedly after he'd pulled away.

Asahi blushed and smiled, then made his way to the bed to sit down to towel off his hair. Noya stayed put and played with his own hair in the mirror.

“So are there a lot of other things that you need to do but haven’t?” he asked, his back to Asahi.

Asahi leaned back on the bed. “Um, I mean, you know most of them. Restaurants.. work.. Socializing.. shopping.. everything..” he groaned as he stared at the ceiling.

“Wait-” Nishinoya turned and quickly ran over to the bed.

Asahi's eyes widened in confusion. “What?”

“So-” Noya slowly climbed onto the bed and sat curiously next to Asahi. “I know you said you hadn't kissed in a really long time, until we started again-” pink immediately peppered Asahi's cheeks again.

“Does that mean relationships and sex as well? What about just with yourself??” Noya asked, far too eager on the topic for Asahi's blush to handle.

“I mean.. I already felt bad enough putting this illness on my mom as it was and she’s family. I never wanted to put this on someone else, so yeah- it’s been a long time.” Asahi explained.

“And...” Noya prodded, raising an eyebrow.

“And... I sort of haven't- with myself- in a while. It got so difficult. Everytime I tried my heart would race and then my body would panic, I couldn't focus, it was just so stressful I couldn't get anywhere. So I just... stopped trying, for now.”

Nishinoya stared for a moment, thinking.

“So, since you last tried, what's 'A While'? A few weeks?” Asahi shook his head.

“A month?” Noya questioned while Asahi tried to cover his face.

“Many months??”

Asahi peeked over his hands and nodded.

“Asahi!”

“What! When I was having multiple panic attacks a day, my only thoughts were fear, exhaustion, and trying to not die. There's nothing sexy about any of it. I'm sure if I get better eventually it'll get easier. But it just sort of stopped being a priority I guess.” he turned to Nishinoya with a guilty look on his face.

“I mean, I do get it. I just hate how much you've gone through. I hate that you haven't been able to even enjoy that part of yourself. I remember thinking that part was pretty awesome.” Noya rested his head on one of his hands.

“And I know things get pushed to the side with this stuff. My new meds make it more difficult. But that's so long, Asahi.” Nishinoya looked at him like he still couldn't believe it.

“I know. I'm worried I won't even remember how.” Asahi chuckled, putting an arm under his head to lean on. There was a quiet pause.

“Just out of curiosity, how are you feeling right now?” Nishinoya asked suddenly.

Asahi glanced at Nishinoya again. “Usual anxiety, but I'm actually kind of okay right now, why?” he responded.

“If I promised we'd stop if you got overwhelmed-” Nishinoya's face changed from concerned to challenging. “Would you be open to maybe trying again?”

Asahi's eyes widened when he understood. “You want to-”

“Hell yeah I want to!” Nishinoya grinned. He wanted to break down the wall so badly, hoping he could get Asahi relaxed enough to enjoy himself. Asahi laughed, covering his face in embarrassment.

“I mean, only if you want to. I don't want to push you or anything.” Nishinoya reassured. “But I used to be able to get you there. Maybe if we work together it would be okay.”

Asahi let his hands fall away from his face, still pink all over. Noya knew Asahi would be nervous, so he leaned in for a kiss to see. He lingered, letting his tongue glide over Asahi's bottom lip. Asahi exhaled quietly, Noya smiled and kept going as Asahi moved his hands around Noya's neck and into his hair. Kissing had slowly gotten easier, which was a relief for both of them.

“Wait just one second, okay?” Noya pulled away and quickly ran to the bathroom, grabbing a washcloth and dampening it with a bit of warm water. He put it on the bedside table and then re-positioned himself so he straddled Asahi's waist while Asahi's hands fell cautiously to Noya's hips. Nishinoya quickly pulled off his hoodie so he was in his t-shirt and jeans, then leaned back down to continue their touches as their kisses got deeper.

“Just tell me if you want to stop or if you want me to do anything differently. Okay?” Nishinoya spoke low, moving his mouth to Asahi's jaw.

“Okay.” Asahi whispered, he could feel his heart rate picking up anxiously, but he held tight.

Asahi's eyes fell closed as he felt Noya's weight in his lap. Nishinoya peppered kisses down Asahi's neck and moved his hands to push up Asahi's shirt.

When Nishinoya made his way down to lick low on Asahi's stomach, Asahi sighed, grabbing the blanket beneath them in his fists.

“Okay so far?” Nishinoya asked, pausing in between kisses he placed on Asahi's hip bones.

“Mhm-” Asahi's eyes were closed tight as he answered, creating a heavy crease on his forehead. Noya moved one hand up and gently pressed in between Asahi's eyebrows to loosen up his tension; Asahi laughed.

“Everything's alright, It's just me.” Noya cooed quietly. Asahi nodded.

Nishinoya palmed his hand over Asahi's crotch where he was hard beneath him and Asahi exhaled in relief. So Noya gently tugged down Asahi's sweatpants, pressing kisses to reassure.

He nestled himself between Asahi's legs and took Asahi's cock in his hand. Asahi shivered as Noya began to move.

Noya licked his lips and enveloped the tip of Asahi's dick, licking over the top. Asahi's hands immediately went into his own hair; Noya took that as a good sign and continued on.

He took more of Asahi in his mouth, bobbing further down each time until he was at the hilt. Asahi moved one hand tightly into Noya's hair.

“I'm sorry- It's just been- So lo-” he broke off, already sweating.

Noya pulled off momentarily. “I know, baby. Don't worry. Just go with me.” He remembered Asahi liked hearing him talk during the process, back when they did this in high school.

He had his free hand resting on Asahi's hip, squeezing gently as his mouth returned to Asahi. He filled his mouth again and sucked as he moved up, pressing his tongue to the underside of Asahi's hardening length.

Asahi finally opened his eyes to see Noya moving steadily and intentionally below him. His head fell back again as he groaned, the lewd visual almost too much for his out-of-touch heart. Noya smirked before taking him deep once more.

After a bit, Asahi started to get overwhelmed; worried he was taking too long, that he'd somehow disappoint Noya because it wasn't happening even though it felt amazing. Asahi's body went more rigid and he exhaled in desperation.

“Okay? Should I stop?” Noya asked, pulling away and looking up at Asahi with a concerned look on his face.

“No- It feels- It feels so good, Noya, really. I just- it's hard to keep my mind focused. I'm sorry it's taking so long” Asahi threw an arm over his eyes, discouraged.

But Noya wasn't done yet. He lifted himself up and tugged Asahi's pants the rest of the way off, throwing them to the ground. Asahi watched, unsure and frustrated with himself.

Nishinoya pushed Asahi's knees up and lay himself back down between them. He let his tongue run over the soft skin on Asahi's inner thighs, reaching one hand to tangle with one of Asahi's, letting him hold tight.

He moved his tongue down between Asahi's legs, stroking Asahi's cock with his free hand. Asahi tried to focus on Noya's multiple touches, letting his jaw fall slack as he moved.

Noya licked and toyed with Asahi's opening, his tongue pushed in just slightly, which had Asahi grip his hand tighter and his knees move further up. He quickly moved back up to swallow Asahi's cock, soaking it before returning below; letting his thumb slide over the head.

Noya pushed his tongue in a little through the ring of muscle and then back out. Asahi let go of his hand and moved it into Noya's hair as his back arched. Nishinoya continued to tongue into Asahi's opening while keeping his hand moving slow and steady. Asahi was starting to mindlessly move into Noya's tongue and then back into his hand, pushing Noya confidently forward.

Asahi was panting, his eyes were wet, as he tried so hard not to let his heart explode and get the better of him. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt like this and he didn't want anything to get in the way. Noya licked up and then pushed back in, using his free hand to hold Asahi's thigh, reassuring Asahi that he was in good hands.

Asahi's breath finally began to regulate as he felt his belly start to tighten with the heat he'd been chasing for far too long already; and somehow Noya hadn't given up. One thing Noya had in spades was stamina, and his tongue had always been able to wreck Asahi.

His heartbeat picked up again and he used all his energy to focus on Noya's movements. He was okay, he reminded himself, Noya was in control and that made Asahi feel so safe his heart was burning.

“Noya, I'm- I'm-” Asahi was far too gone to speak. Nishinoya hummed and kept his motions steady as Asahi clenched beneath him.

Noya pushed his tongue in as deep as he could until Asahi came, feeling hot liquid start to drip down his hand. He began to slow his mouth but kept contact as Asahi shuddered beneath him. Noya pressed soothing kisses to Asahi's thighs again when Asahi's grip had released.

Asahi was exhausted and out of breath, he'd thrown an arm back over his face to calm himself but kept one hand lightly in Noya's hair. It took him a few minutes for his chest to come down. So Nishinoya moved up and grabbed the washcloth, he quickly wiped his mouth and then his hand, then softly cleaned up Asahi's stomach and between his legs.

After throwing the cloth into the laundry basket, Noya lay down next to Asahi.

“It's okay- I've got you.” he soothed as Asahi's breath began to return to normal.

Finally Asahi moved his hand and turned his head to face Noya as he let out a heavy exhale. His eyes were wet and wide, completely filled with oversensitivity and adoration. Nishinoya smiled, wiping away the stray tears that fell. Asahi leaned his face into Noya's hand with a sigh.

“You alright?” Nishinoya asked quietly, pushing hair away from Asahi's face.

Asahi nodded. “I really didn't think I could do that anymore.” he spoke just above a whisper. He was a mess but he smiled, relieved.

“I knew you could.” Noya responded confidently. “I'm just glad you still like the things you used to like!” Nishinoya teased. Asahi had a permanent blush but it was pretty adorable. Noya moved and pulled the covers over them so Asahi could rest. They napped lazily for the rest of the afternoon.

_“And I wanna get close to you  
Cause your hands and lips still know their way around”  
-Troye Sivan_


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

The next few weeks held some more change, which was both good and bad. Asahi had finally heard from his referral about a community worker to help him get back into the world slowly. He began taking more walks on his own, sometimes taking a different route or a longer walk if he felt up to it. He still had panic attacks often but instead of a few a day it was a few a week. The worker he was assigned had him setting a few goals, which did give Asahi anxiety but he was doing what he could. He'd even put on a couple pounds.

Nishinoya was really enjoying his time at his dad's shop, making a more conscious effort to get what experience he could. He was even considering applying for school to get his license to cut hair and barber officially; which was an intimidating thought, returning to school. Noya's doctor had suggested a grief support group that met once a week, and Noya had continued to go. Even though he hadn't opened up quite yet, it felt reassuring to be surrounded by people who could somewhat understand.

-

One night, a few weeks later, Nishinoya walked down the dark main street between his and Asahi's place. He'd just finished his group for the night and was feeling thoughtful. He adjusted his nose ring and put his hands in his pockets.

When he turned a corner he saw Asahi waiting for him on a nearby bench, the same place they'd usually meet for a walk. They wandered together towards the store while talking about their days.

The loud ding of the bells on the shop door rang as they entered. They separated to grab a few things Asahi needed, along with some snacks for the movie they planned to watch.

-

“Oi! Asahi!” a hearty voice said as Asahi set his things on the counter, he smiled nervously at his Karasuno Coach.

“Hey Coach,” Asahi responded, waiting for Noya to return from the freezer with his usual popsicle.

“Haven't seen you in a while, you look good.” Keishin said, looking genuinely glad.

“Oh, Thanks. I'm working on it.” Asahi said quietly, knowing how little he thought he'd changed but how rough he'd looked in the past.

“I can tell.” Keishin said before looking up as Noya approached.

“Nishinoya!” his grin spread wide across his face and he put his hands on his hips.

Nishinoya chuckled. “Ukai!” he mimicked the same enthusiastic tone playfully. “You're never here when I stop by, where you been?” Noya asked, placing his items on the counter next to Asahi's.

Keishin began to ring them through. “I've actually been working with the neighbourhood association again, so I'm working here during the days. You guys should come play sometime!”

They both nodded, it'd been quite some time since either of them had played volleyball, but they couldn't deny the idea sounded pretty good.

They said their goodbyes and left the shop, walking together back to Asahi's apartment.

-

That night they watched their movie quietly. They brushed their teeth together in silence and got ready for bed.

“It was nice to see the coach tonight,” Asahi finally spoke, pulling on a baggy tank top to sleep in.

Nishinoya looked up from where he stood towel-drying his hair after his shower. “Yeah- It was. I was thinking- I wouldn't mind checking out the team sometime.” he said, uncharacteristically quiet.

“I'd like that too.” Asahi responded, getting into his side of his bed. Nishinoya smiled at the thought, making his way over to Asahi.

They lay together under the blankets, not ready to sleep yet, both with lots on their minds. Nishinoya let his worry spread across his face.

“What are you thinking about? You've been really quiet tonight.” Asahi asked, facing Noya, propping himself up with his arm.

Nishinoya looked up from where he lay. “Sorry- It's silly.” he began to shake it off.

“We can talk about it, whatever it is I'm sure it's not silly.” Asahi said.

“I guess, things have been seeming a bit more manageable lately, which should make me happy, but it's just making me nervous.” he started to explain. “I'm scared it's not real or it won't last. It's not even that things are great, but they seem more do-able. And I'm worried that I won't be able to keep it together because I never have.” he looked into Asahi's eyes for some kind of answer. Asahi ran his free hand down Noya's arm, mindlessly tracing over some of the scar tissue that would forever be on his partner's skin.

“I know what you mean. I'm so afraid I won't actually ever feel secure. I don't even remember what it's like not to feel like I have. It's scary to think about.” Asahi responded honestly. “I feel like I don't see any differences in myself, because I still have anxiety and all the stuff I had before. But my mom told me she thinks I'm standing taller again, so maybe it's just our brains messing with us.” he said, trying to not look just as worried.

“Yeah, I know you're right. My dad made a comment the other day about my eyes seeming a bit brighter, and how happy he was that I was enjoying working with him.” Nishinoya smiled at the thought. “It's hard not to be scared about the future though, so I just end up ruining the present with all my thoughts.”

Asahi chuckled. “Believe me, THAT I understand.”

“We're a real positive team aren't we?” Nishinoya snickered, leaning in to wrap his arm around Asahi's torso.

Asahi gave an exaggerated sigh. “I mean, at least we're trying.” he pulled Noya in close.

“True.” Nishinoya answered.

_“Though my edges may be rough_  
I never feel I'm quite enough   
It may not seem like very much  
But I'm yours.”  
-The Script 

“I’m glad I've been able to do a few more things on my own- and more things with you.” Asahi felt shy for the sappy confession. Noya looked up at him with a toothy grin.

“Well, that makes me happy, which says a lot considering how I was feeling.” Noya responded. “For some reason you kept me around even though I wasn't who I used to be. Even though I'm loud and overwhelming and you don't normally like either of those things” Nishinoya laughed, but inside he'd always worried those qualities would push Asahi away eventually.

“When it's you, I don't mind so much.” Asahi smiled and leaned closer, pressing his lips to Nishinoya's forehead in front of him. Noya raised his face to steal a kiss, which made them both snicker. Asahi leaned over Nishinoya to get closer, and Noya threw his arms around Asahi.

They'd continued to talk honestly about intimacy, neither in a rush to do anything specific. Asahi had continued to be anxious at the thought of letting Nishinoya down by having to stop things part way through. They knew that planning a specific day or time for each thing would just stress Asahi out, so they'd picked up supplies a while back just so the had them on hand as needed.

There had also been discussion of what they would like to do. Having fooled around in high school and then presently continuing to do so when it felt right, they were both pretty comfortable switching it up and trying different things; However, the one thing they had settled on was what they thought would be best for their return to full penetration this time around, given their current situations.

Nishinoya spread his legs to make more room for Asahi between them. Asahi was placing kisses down his neck and Noya was getting pretty hard. He ground his hips into Asahi's, trying to relieve some of the tension. Asahi groaned quietly into his skin.

Normally, at this point, they'd either be slowing down or they would have checked in as they went. But neither of them had spoken yet, just kissing hard and trying to get as close together as possible. Their hearts were loud with emotion from their conversation and were fuelling their movements forward.

Nishinoya's mind began to distract him. Was this okay? Was he being too aggressive? Asahi always told him when it was too much, but this did seem like a lot given that they hadn't talked through it, should he stop?

He felt like he at least needed to check in, so he pulled away, still with his limbs wrapped around Asahi; his breath quick in his throat.

“Hey- Is this alright? What are you thinking about?” Noya spoke, looking up at Asahi's flushed face.

Asahi appreciated that Noya was concerned, though he wished there was no reason to be. His thoughts were racing but he didn't want to stop, he liked having Noya in his arms. Asahi still wasn't confident in his ability to go further, and every time he'd wanted to he'd given up out of fear.

He swallowed and tried to focus on Nishinoya. “Yeah, it's alright. It's good.” he paused. “I'm thinking a lot of things, as always.” he gave a half-hearted chuckle.

“Anything specific?” Nishinoya asked, just trying to figure out where Asahi was at.

Asahi thought for a moment but didn't say anything. He looked over Nishinoya's face, his Noya, and leaned back in to kiss his partner. Nishinoya reciprocated, still trying to decipher things but wanting to keep going. Asahi moved a hand to press over Noya's pajama pants, feeling him hot beneath the fabric. Noya groaned and shakily moved into the touch.

“Can we... try more today?” Asahi spoke between touches, pulling his face away enough to get an answer.

Noya looked conflicted but not upset, he went through a few thoughts before responding. “Yeah? You sure?” he asked for reassurance.

“I think so-” Asahi said quietly. “Yes- I'm sure. If you are.”

“I'm always sure about you, Asahi.” Nishinoya cooed, beginning to let go of the breath he'd been holding.

“I might panic.” Asahi stayed close.

Nishinoya smiled. “And I'll be here if you do. We can stop at any time, just say the word. I won't be upset, I promise.”

Asahi exhaled with some relief; he knew those things already but it helped to hear them again. Their foreheads met and Nishinoya smirked, he loved this man; this big, jumpy, beautiful, funny, anxious man.

Nishinoya reached above his head to the bedside table, pulling out a condom and a small bottle of lube, setting it aside for them. They started up again slowly, moment by moment. It'd been a long time since either of them had given or received penetration beyond fingers, so they were both feeling cautious.

Asahi reached his hand under the waistband of Nishinoya's pants, laughing under his breath at Noya's lack of underwear. 

“Come on, don't laugh” Nishinoya whined, though a little embarrassed, assuring him it was because he'd just stepped out of the shower. But Asahi loved it. He wasn't laughing at Noya, he was laughing at how much he loved this loud, intimidating, courageous, and very-commando guy beneath him. Asahi tugged the fabric of his pajamas, prompting Noya to kick them off. 

They'd decided it might be too much for Asahi's body this time around to take Noya inside him, given that he was so easily overwhelmed still.

Nishinoya grabbed the bottle next to him and silently acknowledged that he could do the next step, but Asahi shook his head, he wanted to. Asahi moved so he was next to Noya instead of on top of him, pouring some of the liquid over his fingers before leaning on his side where his partner lay beneath him. He moved his arm back under the covers and placed a finger slowly at Noya's entrance, watching Noya's face as he did so.

After Noya re-adjusted himself so he was more comfortable, Asahi began to push one finger in. He kissed Nishinoya's cheek as Noya closed his eyes, adjusting to the sensation. They'd always been really good at reading each other, in and out of bed, so Asahi pushed a little further when he could tell Noya was settled.

Eventually Asahi pushed in a second finger, with Noya's eyes scrunched tight and his breath starting to hitch. The initial burn was subsiding and Noya began to push back into Asahi's hand. He gripped at his own shirt as Asahi began to move his fingers in and out.

“More” Nishinoya whispered, and Asahi provided.

Asahi was trying to keep steady, he wanted to go faster but he knew this wasn't something he should rush. He was hard and his tongue was heavy as he watched Noya writhe next to him. Asahi curled his fingers, spreading Noya as he remembered how. Nishinoya was beginning to pant and Asahi could see he was doing things right.

Nishinoya opened his eyes, looking to Asahi to let him know it was okay to keep going. Asahi leaned in to kiss his partner's lips, slowly pulling his fingers out. Noya grabbed hungrily at Asahi's boxers, causing them both to laugh while Asahi pulled them off. He climbed back over and positioned himself between Noya's legs, letting the blanket fall over his back. They were safe and warm.

Asahi tore open the condom and awkwardly rolled it on with one hand, leaving his other hand to keep him propped up. Nishinoya poured some lube on his fingers and reached down to coat Asahi's hard length. Asahi's head dropped at the sensation, finally getting some contact. Noya continued to stroke up and down. They moved against each other, breathing heavy.

Slowing his hands, Noya moved himself so Asahi's cock could just push into him. Nishinoya placed his hands on Asahi's shoulders, raising his large brown eyes to his partner's before going further.

“Just take your time-” Nishinoya's breath caught in his throat. “It's just me and you, okay?” he reassured.

Asahi was in control of the speed, and he was nervous. It wasn't like they'd never done this before, but things were different now. It had been so long since they'd done this together, so long since he'd done this at all.

He pushed in tenderly, focusing on Noya's movements beneath him. Nishinoya's eyes fell closed again as he took Asahi in, small noises escaping him. Asahi's heart was in his throat the deeper he pushed, it was so tight and so hot; he could feel it in his toes. Noya let out a whimpered moan when Asahi halted, completely enveloped inside. He paused to catch his breath.

Nishinoya swallowed through his dry throat, licking his dry lips. Asahi moved a hand to gently push hair off of Noya's sweaty forehead.

“Okay- It's okay.” Noya said, already ragged. “Are you good?” he asked, trying to focus.

Asahi leaned down, Noya moaned into his mouth as Asahi began to pull out a bit and then push back in. Asahi was losing his ability to kiss as the sensation took over. His heart was blaring in his ears as he moved; It felt like he was on the edge of a cliff and he was scared, but he knew Noya would keep him from crashing down, or at least catch him if he fell.

Nishinoya wrapped his legs around Asahi's waist, thrusting up and pulling Asahi deeper as his fingers dug into Asahi's arms. Noya was losing himself, he was so full and it was so good. Asahi wrapped an arm under Noya's ass to help lift him, his eyes falling closed while his stomach burned.

Noya's sounds were becoming more desperate, he tried to keep his eyes open but was aching and panting as Asahi kept thrusting into him. His orgasm was close when Asahi moved his hand from Noya's ass to his neglected length. Nishinoya's breath caught at the touch and began to thrust himself down onto Asahi's cock and up into his hand. Noya's hands trembled on Asahi's neck as he sped up to reach his orgasm, coming over Asahi's fingers and clenching deep inside.

Asahi wasn't far behind but was in even rougher shape. His breaths were laboured and he shuddered as he fucked Noya until he came a minute later. Noya was now the over-sensitive one but his resolve was returning just in time to comfort and hold onto Asahi as he unravelled.

Asahi unsteadily slowed his movements as his orgasm crashed over, his breaths were fast, completely overwhelmed from coming so hard. He stayed inside Nishinoya and dropped his head to Noya's chest, trying to catch his breath.

“I love you- You're safe-” Noya spoke quietly while Asahi held him for some kind of grasp on reality. Asahi could hear Noya's heartbeat loud and steady and was finally able to find his center. He began to match his breaths to the beat beneath him as Noya ran his fingers through Asahi's hair.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

The next day, Asahi made his way to his weekly appointment with his rehabilitation worker. Through the appointment he'd started to feel a familiar dread in his gut set in. By the time he was on the bus ride home, he was having a full-blown panic attack and had to get off a few stops early because he felt like his body was going to give out.

While he walked the rest of the way, a passing dog barked and his whole body jerked; a completely open wound to the world around him. Nishinoya would be at work for a few more hours so Asahi didn't want to bother him. His mind was racing and his heart was beating and he felt like he might be sick; doing his best to get himself the rest of the way home.

By the time he closed the door behind him he was weak, he tugged off his jacket and walked quickly to his room, dropping his bag on the floor and sitting down on his bed. Asahi pulled his knees up, trying to find some kind of solace in breathing but just kept drowning. He was so confused as to why it had hit him so quickly and so hard that day. He hated having panic attacks at home but he hated having them out in public even more.

For the first time in a while, Asahi grabbed his phone and shakily dialed the crisis line.

“Hello, Miyagi crisis line, Yukie speaking”

Asahi felt a tiny wave of relief that it was a familiar voice that answered.

“Hi Yukie-” he was nearly gasping at this point. “It's Asahi-”

“Hey Asahi, I haven't heard from you lately, are you alright?” she asked, calm and collected.

“No-” His breathing was so loud that she could hear him over the phone.

“Okay, you're hyperventilating, remember this is just panic and nothing you haven't gotten through before. I'm going to count and you try to follow, okay? Breathe in through your nose when you can.” she reassured, he could hear her loud and clear.

By the time they were able to get him calmed down, Asahi was completely drained. He still had panic attacks often but he'd somehow forgotten just how scary they could get, and he felt grateful for Yukie.

Asahi spent the next few hours under his blankets, far too tired to eat or do anything else, and too afraid to try.

-

It was their usual night to watch a movie after Nishinoya's group, so Noya entered Asahi's apartment later that day on his own. He saw Asahi's jacket on the floor, which was weird, so he hung up both their jackets and made his way to the bedroom.

Asahi was curled up into himself with the covers pulled up, facing away from the door. Nishinoya walked to the other side of the bed, carefully climbing on.

“Bad day?” Nishinoya asked as he looked over Asahi's face. Asahi kept his eyes closed and nodded.

Nishinoya pulled the covers over himself to join his partner. He stayed quiet for a bit so Asahi could get used to his presence, he wasn't sure how long Asahi had been there.

“Did you eat any dinner?” he asked.

“No.” Asahi spoke, his voice was hoarse from his exhausting afternoon.

“Okay. That's okay. I brought some leftovers if you feel up to it later.” Noya said, not pushing the subject further.

Asahi opened his eyes, not entirely, but enough to look at Nishinoya. His eyes were red around the edges and he looked almost as bad as he felt.

“What happened?” Nishinoya asked, just above a whisper.

“I don't know.” Asahi said. “It just came on so fast, I barely made it home.” he felt ashamed.

Noya looked at his partner with sincere worry in his eyes. “I'm sorry. Do you want me to go? Or is it okay that I'm here?” 

_“To love me is to love a haunted house,_  
it's fun to visit once a year but no one wants to live there”  
-Brenna Twohy

“How can you be okay with this?” Asahi asked, swallowing heavily in his throat.

“With what?” Noya responded, confused.

“Having to deal with me, having to come home to this. Aren't you tired of it?” Asahi looked down, focusing on Noya's chest to avoid his eyes.

Nishinoya cautiously moved his hand over Asahi's in front of him. “I don't 'have to deal with' you. Yes, I'm tired of seeing you suffer, but that doesn't mean I'm tired of you.”

Asahi just didn't get how anyone could voluntarily take this on. His cons definitely outweighed his pros. He was being crushed by the weight of the guilt he carried.

“But-” Asahi looked back up, anxious. “But last night was so... and then today was...” he didn't know what he could say anymore, he felt useless.

“Last night was awesome, and today was lousy.” Nishinoya explained honestly. “You know just as well as I do that some days are going to be shitty, but we've had some better ones mixed in, right?” Asahi still looked worried so Noya continued.

“Things feel a little more bearable knowing that you're there. That I have you. I don't feel directionless anymore, and a lot of that is because of you.” he paused, cautiously moving a bit closer. “I know you think that you're this huge burden on everyone, but you've been able to do so much for others; for your mom, for my dad, for me. I don't know where I'd be if we hadn't run into each other that night. I might not be here.” Nishinoya had considered that more times than he'd ever admit.

Asahi closed his eyes as his heart jerked at the thought of a world without Nishinoya Yuu, he moved in closer. “Are you sure though? I'd understand if you wanted a break.” he began.

Noya pressed a finger to Asahi's lips, halting the thought. “I promise I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. I don't ever want to be anywhere else. Okay?” he looked at Asahi as if to persuade him with his eyes alone.

After a moment of silence, Asahi sighed and let it be. He didn't know if he'd ever understand why Nishinoya stayed, why Nishinoya loved him. But seeing the conviction in Noya’s eyes made him let it go.

_“I am your future, I am your past_  
Never forget that we were built to last.  
Step out of the shadows and into my life  
Silence the voices that haunt you inside”  
-You Me At Six

EPILOGUE:

Nishinoya had finished up his classes for the day and was now walking down the street; this time with a destination in mind. He looked forward as he walked, instead of solely at his feet. The air was warm and the sun was still out, it was comfortable.

Jogging across the street to a familiar building, Nishinoya slowed to look in the window.

Asahi was wrapping a bouquet for a customer, taking care to make sure it was perfect. He laughed at something the customer said and his smile made Noya go weak at the knees. Nishinoya ran a hand through his hair and leaned his back against the window. How did he get so lucky?

A few minutes later, while Noya was daydreaming, the door to the flower shop opened. Asahi pulled his sweater on as he walked over to Nishinoya.

“Whatcha thinkin' about?” Asahi teased, as he nudged Noya out of his daydream.

“Nothing-” Nishinoya put his hands on his hips, like he hadn’t been fantasizing.

“Yeah right,” Asahi responded, knowing full-well how his partner’s mind worked.

“Okay.. I might have been thinking about you- but only because you're so damn dreamy.” Nishinoya smiled, deciding to force his blush onto Asahi. Asahi smiled at the compliment and his face turned pink; he took Noya's hand.

“So how was your day?” Nishinoya asked, swinging their hands as they walked.

“It was okay. We were busy, so it was a bit overwhelming but I managed well enough.” Asahi said.

“That's awesome. I don't know if I could help customers all day like you do.” Nishinoya said.

“You're literally going to be a barber; you'll be with customers all day too!” Asahi replied with a chuckle.

“It's not the same at all! Retail customers are way crazier-”

They rambled as they approached an apartment building, their apartment building. They made dinner together and ate together. Afterwards, Asahi plucked away on the keyboard while Nishinoya read through some of his homework on the couch.

Asahi looked over at Nishinoya, immersed in his homework with a pencil in his mouth. Asahi never thought he'd get even close to a peaceful life, he'd completely given up on that dream. And sure, things were still difficult sometimes but he was managing better and more often. He had been able to return to work, and his boss had been really understanding and flexible to ease him back into it. 

He also had Noya, and he had a home; their home. And a life that felt worth living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading:)  
> Please feel free to leave me a comment and let me know what you thought.


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